I Don’t Like Fireworks anymore

I loved walking to the big field behind my grandma’s vacation home and watching the bright flashes light up the summer sky. I loved catching fireflies that strived to compete with the show overhead. I loved the excitement, the noise, and the anticipation. I even loved the way my heart raced with adrenaline, long after the finale ended, making it nearly impossible to fall asleep in my bunkbed.

But somewhere on my life journey, that changed.

For the past twenty years, I’ve had very little interest in staying up late to watch fireworks and found myself increasingly uninterested in this beloved American tradition.

This past Sunday, our pastor prayed for veterans who struggled with PTSD during the 4th of July season, and as he prayed, something clicked. I don’t dislike fireworks because I’m boring or lost my sense of wonder. I dislike fireworks because for a long time fireworks represented disruption. As a full-time caregiver for the past twenty years, peace has been elusive and fireworks disrupted my peace. They disrupted my autistic son’s peace. They disrupted carefully established routines, interrupted sleep, heightened my (and his) anxiety, and threw our circadian rhythms into chaos with late, adrenaline-fueled evenings.

Somewhere in the past 20 years, I instinctively began withdrawing from anything that threatened the small pockets of peace I worked so hard to create including: girl’s nights out, sitting around campfires as the sun set, large crowds, parades, and yes, fireworks.

Caregiving changes you in ways you don’t always recognize while you’re living it and forces you to scan for potential disruptions all the time. It forces you to prepare for what might go wrong and to protect the routines and rhythms that help everyone survive another day. And yes, there is beauty in that vigilance but there is also loss. So much loss at times.

Loss of spontaneity.

Loss of freedom.

And loss of the carefree parts of yourself that once stayed out late and watched the sky explode with color.

These days, when fireworks begin, I find myself longing for solitude and quiet, and perhaps that’s not because I’ve lost something. Maybe it’s because after years of caregiving, I’ve learned the value of peace, and peace, when hard fought, becomes something worth protecting.

Just keep livin.